6 Things Nobody Tells You About Having A Miscarriage

If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry. You’re here for a very sad reason.

Maybe you’re reading this because sadly, like me and so many other women, you’ve suffered through the pain of losing a much-wanted baby. Maybe you've been told you’re going to miscarry and you’re searching for help with processing it all. Or maybe a friend lost their baby, and you want to know what they experienced so you can offer a much-needed helping hand.

It goes without saying that the content of this article will be triggering to some.

The fact of the matter is that while we can talk about our own experiences and things each miscarriage may have in common, nobody will ever go through this pain in the same way. It will hit us all differently, in different ways, and at different times for weeks, months, or even years to come.

Experts now estimate that between 1 in 4 and 1 in 3 women will miscarry before twelve weeks.

And even though this figure is frighteningly high, not many people know the nitty gritty details of what really happens during a miscarriage, because it’s something we don’t ever want to have to think about.

But for the unlucky ones among us, it’s something we’re unable to avoid.

1. It can take a long time. Mainstream media makes it sound as though a miscarriage is like a brief, very heavy period. For some, it is like that. But for others, the bleeding can last a very long time, be so heavy it’s impossible to continue daily life, and the cramps can send you to bed in an instant. Needless to say, the emotional ramifications of slowly losing your baby over a period of days are not to be forgotten.
2. The first time you see your baby on a scan, it may be to confirm that it has sadly died or stopped developing. The twelve-week scan is a moment of excitement for most expectant parents. The first time I saw our first baby on an ultrasound was when the sonographer told us the terrible news that there was no heartbeat and we were going to miscarry. (This is called a missed miscarriage). I remember being so overwhelmed by grief I could hardly see, then had to walk through a room of women lovingly clutching their baby bumps and feeling like my world had ended.
3. It can require hospital treatment. Full disclosure: I haemorrhaged and had to be admitted to hospital. I was an hour or so away from needing a blood transfusion. While instances like this are rare, they can happen. The general rule of thumb is that if you’re going through more than two pads in an hour, you need to be seen in A&E. Similarly, if you’re regularly passing clots larger than a 50p piece, this also requires assessment in hospital.
4. Not all tissue will pass naturally, and if that happens medical intervention will be needed, in the form of medication or a D&C (dilation and curettage) which is done under a general anaesthetic in theatre. It is considered a minor procedure and you can usually go home that day.
5. The medication used to help intervene in a miscarriage is the same medication that can be used for abortions. It’s called Misoprostol. This can be a hard pill to swallow — no pun intended — if you’ve been longing for a child, but is something to be aware of as it can come up in conversation, either in hospital or in discussions with friends, and can be a bit of a blindsiding experience.
6. It’s lonely. It’s heartbreakingly lonely, even with friends and family around you, and this can be the most difficult thing to deal with in many ways. I spent the first eleven weeks of my pregnancy talking to our unborn baby, singing to it, playing it music in the car, discussing hopes and dreams with it, and in my head I imagined the conversations we’d have. That disappeared overnight, and I’ve never known silence like it.

The most important thing to do if you’ve suffered a pregnancy loss is rest, both physically and emotionally. It is a loss like no other, and grieving can be exceptionally difficult.

If you still have signs of pregnancy, such as nausea or tender breasts, these will fade in a day or two.

Remember, it is normal to feel a myriad of emotions following pregnancy loss. Seeking support is essential, as is taking time to allow yourself to grieve.